i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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