Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
