Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
