stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
