How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
