I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
