He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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