you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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