she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize