My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize