Your face is a jimmy john
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
