I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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