saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
