Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
