I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
