grandma shit on top of the toilet
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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