I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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