My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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