my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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