i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
