I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
