9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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