I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
