You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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