Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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