You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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