When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
