im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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