im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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