Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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