You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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