I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it glows. i had to have it.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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