I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just want nice things and good sex
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
