Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
