Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
