You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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