Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
