Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
