So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
