i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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