vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
