she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
