I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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