It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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