I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
