How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize