Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
