if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think my moral compass just broke
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
