My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
