I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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