Are we in a gay sports bar?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
