I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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