We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
