Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Randomize
