i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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