You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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