he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
