I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
