turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
did you just send me my own nude
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
