They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
