you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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